Evening Comics Take Aim At Trump's New 'Gold Card' Residency Program
Television's leading comedians used their airtime mocking former President Donald Trump's newly unveiled visa program, dubbed the "gold card," portraying it as a obvious cash-for-residency arrangement for the affluent.
Stephen Colbert's Pointed Spin
Kicking off his broadcast, Stephen Colbert delivered a satirical Christmas song targeting the commander-in-chief. "He's making a list, reviewing it twice, before handing that list to the people at ICE," he intoned. "Trump ... destroys everything he touches."
The focus was the controversial plan which allows international individuals to purchase U.S. residence for a sum of one million dollars, or "premium" version for 5 million. An official website pledges processing "faster than ever."
"A brief message here to affluent applicants: before you pay, maybe think about Canada?" Colbert joked.
He noted that the scheme is also designed to "get cash" from businesses looking to hire skilled workers, with hefty payments. "That is a lot of fees, but if you sign up, you also get free accommodation at a property of your selection – provided that it's the that one hotel," he added.
"Unprecedented background check the government has before done," stated Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "that $15,000 vetting to make sure these applicants truly are eligible to be in America."
"That's important, you have to prove you're qualified to be an American," Colbert deadpanned. "First question: how many burgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"
Jimmy Kimmel's Blistering Roast
On his own show, Jimmy Kimmel referred to the visa program the "American Dream Express Card."
"This is a card that will permit wealthy international individuals to live here," he explained. "For a million bucks, you get legal resident status, you get a road to citizenship, and a presidential pardon for one significant crime of your selection."
"Perhaps it's time to update that poem on the Statue of Liberty – forget about your poor masses. Pay a million bucks, you're in!" he joked.
Kimmel teased the brevity of the application, saying it is "harder to start a Wordle account." He lamented that Trump "thinks citizenship is something you can sell, like a steak."
"Exactly, the top people are the rich people," Kimmel joked. "It's what Jesus always said! It's in the Bible. He says it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle if you pay the needle a million dollars."
Seth Meyers discussing Grocery Concerns
On another network, Seth Meyers addressed Trump's declining poll numbers during economic anxiety. "Voters gave Donald Trump a another term since they were angry about the economy," he explained.
This week, in a attempt to tackle cost of living, Trump held a press conference in front of a display of food items, where he behaved oddly to some cereal.
"Lovely packaging, I think I'm going to take some of them back to my place and have a lot of fun," Trump said. "Such as the Cheerios, I haven't had Cheerios in a long time."
"Trump is so extremely weird," Meyers responded. "Like, you're going to take them back to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What's the plan with those Cheerios?"
Meyers concluded by criticizing conservative news defenses of Trump's economic performance. "Perhaps instead of voicing concerns, you should give him a shiny trophy similar to the one FIFA did," he laughed.