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Being a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, largely pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership that lasted four years, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I begin to date a potential partner, once the newness fades, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners again.

Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy

I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they have seemed demanding, often resulting in lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire a partner to love me while letting me remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I’m feeling a bit lost.

Each individual's intimate path varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need in your current state could easily shift down the road; eventually you may find yourself more decisive and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you might meet someone who provides a life-changing chance for you by reflecting your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and see the value of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.

• The psychotherapist practices as a American psychotherapist who specialises in treating intimacy issues.